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Two Dangers to Dodge in Love

The initial flirtation of love turns over time to flirting with disaster if you don’t become adept at dodging the dangers of…

  1. Silence
  2. Too much information

Here’s how:

  1. Silence is golden many times and in many places, but too much silence keeps problems from being aired. Some ways you can recognize too much silence on your part is a pattern of letting your partner have their way, when you do complain not really getting your way anyway, and tending to look down on your partner for their childish lack of sensitivity to others. In this case, do some wondering and writing about what is underneath the complaints you have. Especially wonder what your pain is, because pain is the source of all stress—both growth-producing stress and health-damaging stress. Make a commitment to stepping out of your comfort zone in order to express yourself more fully, using more words and different words, and going at it more often. Work at speaking up, coming from feeling.
  2. It’s a gift to be able to explain your thoughts, express your feelings and defend your actions, but too much articulation by one drowns the other. You can recognize being a source of too much information if your partner complains that they can’t get a word in edgewise, or that you always get your way, and by a feeling on your part that your partner just isn’t forthcoming with their feelings. Where this is true for you, check in often with your partner as to the impact of what you are saying and doing. Wonder more deeply yourself how you are sensing your partner, not just on the surface, not just now, but more deeply and over the long haul. Work at silence by not responding as quickly or elaborately or wordily as you are used to doing, and by putting your emphasis on listening.
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In new love passion is easy. Poor communication hasn’t hurt mates much yet.

In long-time love, accumulated hurts from poor communication can become golden roads to deeper love and greater passion if you…

  1. Stay physically connected
  2. Express thanks multiple times daily

Here’s how.

1. Stay physically connected by touch, often, in many different ways. Don’t just say hello or goodbye: hug each other, kiss each other. Don’t just talk to your mate. While talking, hold hands or cuddle while just leaning on a counter or sitting on the couch. When making love, don’t think of it as sex. Rather, imagine it’s full body skin and guts loving, like a connection massage to every nerve in both your bodies. Touch stimulates endorphins, thereby soothing anxiety, lifting depression, and clearing the mind. When you encounter resistance to touching, work yourself through it by this exercise: a) shake yourself up, b) sag like a limp rag, c) tighten every muscle in your body, d) let go and sway. Then let go again under your partner’s loving touch.

2. Express thanks for everything you can think of. Thank your mate taking time out to listen. Thank for bringing up a problem to be solved together. Thank for errands done, chores accomplished. Thank for offers to do chores or favors and good intentions even when things derail. Thank for positive attributes. Thank for the good things in life you have together. And take time now and then by physically lifting your arms straight up in a “V” for victory, celebrating from head to toe the good things between you.And check out this month’s Love Tweats at   DrSharonSays on Twitter.

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Writing is a powerful method for creating success in your New Year’s resolutions. Here are some specific tools:

  1. Hate Play, Hearts Work
  2. Affirmations
  3. Goals

Each has a form: 1) daily and discarded,  2) posted, or 3) tucked away.

  1. Daily, for discarding immediately: Hate Play, Hearts Work lets your trains of thought and feelings out onto paper. Keeping sentences short write about stress. Looking back over sentences, put hearts around good stuff, scribble out bad stuff, and when something gets a heart but then also seems bad, scribble that out. Even poke holes in the scribbled part if that feels right. Spend five to twenty minutes at it at about same time each day. Keeps your train of thought going for creativity and growth.
  2. To post in a place where you’ll see it often: Affirmations are short positive sentences that seem believable to you. State affirmations on anything you want to accomplish, picking a small enough part that seems within reach. For example, instead of “I will find the right job” (which may make you feel cynical) write “I will find better and better ways of looking for the right job” (which may feel believable to you). Or instead of “I am losing weight” you might try “I am enjoying eating better, and weight is just dropping away at its own right pace.”
  3. Write down a specific goal as if it is already here. Pick a time in the future: say, 3 months, 6 months, or one year from now. Elaborate on the goal as you imagine having accomplished it: how it feel, the consequences of it in your daily life, the effects upon your morale. For example, “This new job is interesting. People treat each other here with more dignity and comaradarie than at my previous job.” Or “Now that I have lost 20  pounds, I feel lighter, and the clothes I’m wearing feel better on my body. I seeing myself in the mirror more than I did when I was 20 pounds heavier.”

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The three most powerful tools in creating and sustaining personal change (and New Year’s Resolutions) are to:

  1. Write
  2. Visualize
  3. Act

Here’s why.

  1. When you write down your thoughts, you actually change your world a little bit. “The pen is mightier than the sword” in this case hones your points for change. When you have to put into words that which you long for, when your hand moves as if creating the very change you want, you actually move forward in time.
  2. Visualizing effectively, you engage your entire mind-body in helping you move forward in a holistic progression. Visualization takes you into the reality that you wish to create, and gives your brain something to ‘fill in the spaces’ on for change.
  3. When you act on your resolution in any way, you experiment. And all experimentation is grist for the mill of change. Science has moved forward more on the backs of many failed experiments than on the backs of the few successes.

Look for blogs coming up soon for ways to make writing, visualizing and acting part of your resolution success.

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