Conquering the bad and the good of narcissism

GOOD AND BAD: Narcissists will be thrilled to hear that as a group they are rated as more attractive and likable than everyone else at first appearance. They are, as a group, significantly more stylishly clad, cheerful and physically appealing at first sight, exuding more competence,  interpersonal warmth, and humor than those who score lower in narcissism. On the dark side, people scoring higher in narcissism also engage, on average, in more disagreeable verbal behaviors: drawing conversations back to themselves, “glazing over” when others speak, talking loudly, arguing and cursing more—and using more sexual language. Both their charming and their disagreeable behaviors can be seen as aimed at maintaining power in an interaction without having to cooperate. On the other hand, some see it a more as an effort to gain social influence than actual intention to exploit or dominate others. Seeking admiration is a like a drug for narcissists’ self-image, and putting  others down may be an accidental side effect of that pursuit. Research by Lorna Otway and Vivian Vignoles suggests that creation of a narcissist may indeed occur as Freud long ago suggested: from a whiplash combination of parental coldness alternating with excessive parental admiration. Non-narcissistic people everywhere inadvertently reinforce this dynamic by being overly positive at first impressions so that fading of interest is felt by the narcissist as punishment all over again. Getting positive feedback at first but then being devalued in the long term would certainly be irritating…a possible explanation for the narcissist’s prickly side. [taken from Scott Barry Kaufrman, PhD, personality psychologist at New York University, “The Peacock Paradox” in July/August 2011 Psychology Today]  BAD INTO GOOD: To help a narcissist (and yourself) out of the alienating dance, be dignifying of yourself by expressing curiosity and interest more than enthusiasm and (overzealous) admiration over their charm and energy. Be firmly and respectfully honest and committed to vocalizing your own thoughts and disagreements (think iron hand, kid glove). Narcissists at their cores (albeit often unconsciously) crave honesty, understandingly delivered, to make sense of the roller coasters of their own unfortunate social cycles. Handling a narcissist with respect and dignity for both yourself and him/her will grow both you and the narcissists you love or hate—or both—deeper and wiser.           

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