Handling Narcissistic Parents

Emotional injuries from a narcissistic parent may be the greatest “normal” wounds a child can suffer—especially for the first two children. In the wounds can be a special depth of despair and fury, for the first two children are as gifted at conscious empathy as their parents are not. Therefore, it is particularly agonizing to these children that their parent responds so cluelessly and even cruelly. (1) The pattern of self-expressive parents in general—not just narcissistic ones—is to insert critical, cutting, thoughtless, hurtful remarks into otherwise friendly, affectionate, engaging, even doting, conversation, utterly unaware that they have just “struck” their child. (2) What makes the narcissist’s “blows” especially toxic is that when the child tries to push back, there is no one surer on earth that they are right than a narcissist. Whereas a child might get through to other parents, or at least wobble them a bit, the fight is just too confusing and daunting with a narcissist. (3) Perhaps the most important key to setting narcissists straight is to recognize that they are in love with their ideas…not themselves. Narcissists often suffer extreme depression and covert low self-esteem because they alienate people with their behavior and not only don’t know why, but are likely to be aggressive and blaming in response to being rejected rather than feel simple pain at the loss or lack of response. (4) A second key is to confront them in a spirit of kindness and firm determination. If you back down, they will continue their love affair with their point of view. If you attack, they will counterattack immediately, because, of course, they’re right (but not really). If you can master this tricky mix, you can help school the most entrenched narcissist into the possibility that your ideas are just as important as theirs. (5) A third key is to feel free to say “shame on you” (and it helps to mentally or physically hunch shoulders to ears and duck face into hands, I think, to send a more congruent message since shame is such a tricky emotion http://www.surfyoursoul.com ). The narcissist is fired up by avoidance of shame—hence the “in love with being right” to avoid the shame of being wrong.

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