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Archive for March, 2010

Two Dangers to Dodge in Love

The initial flirtation of love turns over time to flirting with disaster if you don’t become adept at dodging the dangers of…

  1. Silence
  2. Too much information

Here’s how:

  1. Silence is golden many times and in many places, but too much silence keeps problems from being aired. Some ways you can recognize too much silence on your part is a pattern of letting your partner have their way, when you do complain not really getting your way anyway, and tending to look down on your partner for their childish lack of sensitivity to others. In this case, do some wondering and writing about what is underneath the complaints you have. Especially wonder what your pain is, because pain is the source of all stress—both growth-producing stress and health-damaging stress. Make a commitment to stepping out of your comfort zone in order to express yourself more fully, using more words and different words, and going at it more often. Work at speaking up, coming from feeling.
  2. It’s a gift to be able to explain your thoughts, express your feelings and defend your actions, but too much articulation by one drowns the other. You can recognize being a source of too much information if your partner complains that they can’t get a word in edgewise, or that you always get your way, and by a feeling on your part that your partner just isn’t forthcoming with their feelings. Where this is true for you, check in often with your partner as to the impact of what you are saying and doing. Wonder more deeply yourself how you are sensing your partner, not just on the surface, not just now, but more deeply and over the long haul. Work at silence by not responding as quickly or elaborately or wordily as you are used to doing, and by putting your emphasis on listening.
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In new love passion is easy. Poor communication hasn’t hurt mates much yet.

In long-time love, accumulated hurts from poor communication can become golden roads to deeper love and greater passion if you…

  1. Stay physically connected
  2. Express thanks multiple times daily

Here’s how.

1. Stay physically connected by touch, often, in many different ways. Don’t just say hello or goodbye: hug each other, kiss each other. Don’t just talk to your mate. While talking, hold hands or cuddle while just leaning on a counter or sitting on the couch. When making love, don’t think of it as sex. Rather, imagine it’s full body skin and guts loving, like a connection massage to every nerve in both your bodies. Touch stimulates endorphins, thereby soothing anxiety, lifting depression, and clearing the mind. When you encounter resistance to touching, work yourself through it by this exercise: a) shake yourself up, b) sag like a limp rag, c) tighten every muscle in your body, d) let go and sway. Then let go again under your partner’s loving touch.

2. Express thanks for everything you can think of. Thank your mate taking time out to listen. Thank for bringing up a problem to be solved together. Thank for errands done, chores accomplished. Thank for offers to do chores or favors and good intentions even when things derail. Thank for positive attributes. Thank for the good things in life you have together. And take time now and then by physically lifting your arms straight up in a “V” for victory, celebrating from head to toe the good things between you.And check out this month’s Love Tweats at   DrSharonSays on Twitter.

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