In a recent LA Times article, John Glionna reported that Chinese women living in rural areas “are taught to refer to male spouses not as husbands but masters. They inhabit a world where the emphasis on bearing sons is so strong (due to needs for male strength in agriculture] that women bear names such as Zhaodi (“looking for a little brother”) and Aidi (“loving a little brother”).” “Three of four Chinese women—more than 450 million—still live in the countryside, where rigid social customs breed loneliness and abuse. Domestic violence rates are high. Each year 150,000 women commit suicide in rural China—the only place on Earth where more women kill themselves than men, according to the World Health Organization.” But change is being spearheaded by one brave and visionary woman, Xie Lihua, whose efforts include a paper run for rural women, a hotline for battered wives and abused female employees, and pressure upon the government to support minimum salary and basic insurance for domestic workers not covered under China’s labor laws. “Her efforts have empowered multitudes” but her “critics say she embarrasses China.” DR. SHARON SAYS: China, embrace your embarrassment. It tells the world that you are aware and that you know things shouldn’t be like they are for women. Once you make the statement of your embarrassment over the situation—not your embarrassment at the disclosure—you will be in an even better position to act on it for the better. Embarrassment is different from shame. Shame indicates that one doesn’t know or understand the rule that is being violated. Readers, here is what I think you can learn from this situation. No matter what embarrasses you, show your embarrassment socially by grinning sheepishly, shoulders shrugging upward as you smile your sheepish smile. Showing your embarrassment in this manner reassures those around you and relieves them of the need to try to control your behavior. It also relieves you of creating unnecessary tension in yourself by trying to hide your embarrassment. If you have shame, hunch your shoulders and cover your face, eyes and mouth open. That very movement will start to teach you the rule that you don’t get. It’s very strange, but true. The best explanation I have for it is that shame is deeply hard-wired into social creatures to do the work of getting us to behave adaptively in groups…which means following rules or norms. Even if you have no earthly idea what the rule is, or even if you really believe that it doesn’t apply to you, or even if it’s truly a bad norm, physically expressing shame guides you and your social group into healthier social behavior. [Special thanks to John Glionna of the Los Angeles Times for his excellent article Wednesday, January 2, 2008
-
Follow
Following
Already have a WordPress.com account? Log in now.
Dr. Sharon's Surf Your Soul Weblog 
“In mainland China, cities look like Europe, villages look like Africa.” What does that tell you? Civilization. Civilization only appears in cities. Let’s have a look at what it’s like in big cities in China, and I’ll let you know what’s in rural areas in future:
IN MAINLAND CHINA – in cities:
• If a girl is still single when she’s 30, everyone think there is something wrong with her. The older women start to laugh at her and look down at her. The men will try to “sleep with her” (but not to merry her) because they think she is desperate.
• Women older than 35 years of age have nearly 0 chance of getting a job, as it is believed that women after 35 are too “slow” and “lazy” (lack of energy), including themselves. They can, however, become maids or sex workers.
• It is believed that women are less capable than men in most aspects, except spreading gossips, raising kids and spending money.
• If a woman chooses to be a career woman, she’d better has a father/family that is powerful enough to protect her, for this male-dominating society hates outstanding women. Everyone (include all men and older women) will try to push her down to hell, unless she pays them well. Once she has no more to give, everyone wants her to go to hell. It is a sin for a woman to be superior. Only men are allowed to be superior, in the past 5 thousand years.
• A man (that is NOT equally outstanding) who marries to an outstanding career woman usually aims for her money. He would love to take her money, divorce, then marry to a much younger, better-looking and obedient girl, and be her hero. If he is still with that old, ugly and non-selfless wife, most likely he still needs her.
• A man (that IS equally outstanding) who marries to an outstanding career woman usually aims for his face, his children (DNA) and higher social status, if not her father’s connection, or her family assets.
• A Chinese man needs to find a wife to cook his dinner, does his laundry, give birth to his descendants (better a boy), raise his descendant, looks after his parents (and her parents), pays his bills…
• Only rich men can afford “looking after” (financially supports) other women other than his wife.
• Poorer men cheat girls and dump them. The more girls he cheats, the higher honor he has among his friends. If he can get her pregnant and abortion, top honor.
• Although every man’s secret dream is to find a virgin for wife, that doesn’t stop him cheating virgins and dump them.
• Girls just have two options: be bad or be good.
• Bad girls see themselves the “westernized” new generation. They enjoy sex life. They enjoy being able to take the lead in relationship. They are not good at contraception.
• Good girls still want to find a husband and start a family. If a man cheats her, she will revenge, if she still hasn’t killed herself yet. They are not good at contraception.
• Generally speaking, Chinese male want to take the lead in relationship. In the chasing phase (that is, when he hasn’t scored), he would do anything to find out what she likes, and please her. He will definitely tell a few lies to impress her.
• A decent man will marry to his girlfriend, given that his parents are happy with the girl and her family.
• An average guy does not want to marry to every girlfriend of his. But if he can’t get the girl, a bad guy might kill her. The average guy would keep chasing her until he gets her, then dump her. If he still cannot get her, he’ll get another girl, and dump her.
• Except being in the chasing phase, Chinese male generally don’t care about women’s feelings. Women can cry, women can threaten, women can die, as long as he lives well. If he needs her co-operation, he can always come around with some good stories and make her happy. The point is, she has to be useful.
• Nearly all husbands want affairs, better they are other people’s wives. But if his own wife has an affair, he would really want to kill her, and still feels hurt afterwards. To ease his pain, he would try to have affairs with more other people’s wives.
• Husbands normally don’t worry about divorce, unless he is financially dependent on his wife plus that he has no access to her money, or he loves his children, or, he still loves her.
• Rich men generally do not worry about divorce, as their wives can hardly get what she deserves. She may need to pay her life for that and still won’t have what she deserves. Husbands often transfer their assets well before divorce.
• Chinese tradition does not like the idea to allow women to be financially independent or educated, for that would make them “choosy”, which results in men having to “improve” themselves.
• A Chinese woman can only enjoy a good life in the period of time that they married to a wealthy man before he has an affair, or dump her, or dies.
• If the rich husband dies, his family members will do all kind of mean things to kick her away from her husband’s house, and take away all her husband’s money. Because money should be kept within the family. Wives are people from other families. Only the children (better male) belong to the family.
• If a girl does not want to have children, she is not likely to find a man who has never married. She can, however, marry to a man that has children in his previous life. His children, however, most likely hate step-mothers, as a general rule.
• If a girl does plan to have children but failed to do so, her husband would most likely to divorce her and marry another woman, with no regret or care.
• A wife who gives birth to a girl in a city may not face divorce, but she would most likely to face an unhappy and abusing mother-in-law, unless her parents are richer than her husband’s family.
Exceptions:
IN MAINLAND CHINA – in cities:
• The large number of Chinese men in good nature, who cannot bear leaving their lovers in pain. Unfortunately, these are not the vast majority.
• The large number of Chinese men from “good” families. That is, whose parents and grandparents are well educated, or have good natures. Unfortunately, most of these families were destroyed in the past few decades.
• Shanghai men work, do shopping, cook dinners, does laundry, and still try to please their wives, who spent most of their spare time playing cards, chatting with female friends.
Observation updated: 2008
In Hong Kong
• Men from Hong Kong believe that “a man marries a woman for the purpose to spoil her”, compare with the mainlanders “a man marries to a woman for the purpose to use her”.
• Women from Hong Kong have no problems become full-time housewives. A wealthy man would not want his wife to work after marriage.
• A man in romance is a real gentleman. He admires the girl, treat her nicely, takes her to restaurants, buy her jewel, and satisfy all her ridiculous requests. He remains a gentleman even after she dumps him, after all he has done for her.
• A man from Hong Kong is often generous to his lover, as that shows he is rich. The same rule may not stand if his lover is from mainland China, or Vietnam. She definitely is not worthy as much as a Hong Kong woman, because she has less choice. The same thing holds in employment relationships.
• A married man does everything to make his wife and her mother happy. He is a good provider for the family.
• A married Hong Kong man will definitely have affairs, unless he is poor, or he is still in love, or he is too nice, or there is something wrong with him. Chinese men see their women as trophies – the more, the better, especially after marriage, because it proves that they are rich. Marriage does not end a triangle relationship. Marriage is the beginning of a triangle relationship, as you have a wife that has difficulties to dump you. It is safe now to chase after another woman. It does not matter whether the husband goes to church or not.
• Some wives, are aware of their husbands’ affair. However, most of them choose not to mention it, as long as their husbands treat them well.
• The rest, are often shocked by their husbands’ affair. Chinese women, after all, were brainwashed to believe that the only happy life a woman have is a loving husband and a clever/obedient child. Husband’s betrayal does destroy her life and happiness forever.
• In the case a husband wants a divorce (and marry to his girlfriend), he most likely would be willing to pay her the amount request by law, unless he is very wealthy.
• A really wealthy man would not allow a woman (once his wife) to take nearly half of his assets away from his family. She won’t win in count anyway, no worries.
• A girl that is going to marry to the son of a billionaire knows that she is supposed to have many children. Her future father-in-law wants his grandchildren to help with his businesses. The children will be raised to become lawyers, accountants, doctors, etc. She would live a luxury life if she obeys. She knows that her husband would have affairs, but that is all right because she is now upper-class. It is the best choice a girl can ever have.
• Most Hong Kong billionaires are still very old-fashioned and peasant-minded, unless English is their first language, and that they cannot speak Chinese at all, or that they criticize Chinese culture. The old-fashioned Hong Kong wealthy men still believe daughters may not inhere a cent from family’s assets. The best they would do for their daughters are providing education, so that daughters can marry men from upper class, which will give them “face” and their daughters’ financial securities.
• Just because men are good supporters of their wives does not mean they treats other women the same way. Chinese men treat their wives well because they NEED to keep their wives healthy and happy. Mistresses, however, are there for pleasure. They can be dismissed. A Hong Kong mistress does not cause trouble after she is dismissed. Her man pays her well. Unlike mainlanders, men want everything free. Oh no, a mainlander man (many of them) wants his wife sacrifice everything, and take her family’s assets, and sleep with her younger sister, and his wife leave him quietly, or both sisters serves him and only him forever.
• Hong Kong women soon find out marriage is no guarantee to happiness. The well-educated women generally choose not to get married. Many of the rest find it more beneficial to become a mistress, for she would start to own cash, Jewry, a car, an apartment (if she is lucky). She does not have to do housework, or raise children, or worry about her family being ruined by any other women. She can remain beautiful and healthy, away from housework. These girls believe that “a smart girl does not seek equality with guys”
Observations updated: 2008
Chinese males in overseas (1)
1. Singapore
• Singaporeans are known by their higher education level and multi-linguistic skills.
• Most Singapore Chinese speak better English than Chinese. The Singapore Chinese as a whole are 80% westernized and 20% Chinese. Compare with Hong Kong residents as a whole, that are generally 90% Chinese (value) and only 10% westernized (lifestyle only).
• All they know about China are some Chinese food, customs such as worship and traditional festivals learned from their parents who speak better Chinese.
• The Chinese tradition they know about, depend on the time their ascendants left China.
• They know next to nothing about modern mainland China, or Hong Kong, or Taiwan. Nor can they think about any cultural differences between the northern Chinese, and the southern Chinese.
• Most Singaporeans came from southern China hundreds of years ago.
• Singaporeans men are very proud of themselves. A man can be very fuzzy when it comes to choose a Singaporean girl for wife. He would seriously consider marrying to westerners, given that she and her family are worth him.
• Singaporean girls think Singaporean men are snobs. They would marry them anyway.
• Singaporean men do think like western men. In the event a man’s girlfriend dump him for another man, he is likely to take it well.
• Singaporeans look down on Chinese mainlanders and normally would not consider marrying them, because they think the latter marry for money.
• Singaporeans never noticed the hundreds of thousands of those good-natured, hard-working mainlanders who would do anything for them in return, if the Singaporeans just treat them like human. Chinese elites only look up.
• Singaporeans never noticed the thousands of cultivated Chinese mainlanders from well-educated families of many generations, which would make most of the Singaporeans sound like half-illiterate. The Chinese intellectuals were prosecuted and oppressed by the government because they have independent thought, and most importantly, they would rather die than abandon the truth, unlike most of the rest of the Chinese, who take survival (of themselves and their descendants) their priority.
• Singaporeans know very little about the “rich and influenced” mainlanders who come from “red families”. Those communist grandparents killed millions of Chinese best businessmen, farmers and intellectuals, confiscated those victims assets, put in their own pockets, prevent the victims’ children from receiving higher education or employment (to stop them from revenge in the future).
• What Singaporeans don’t know is that the red families loath all “capitalists” in the world, as the “capitalists” always do better in most aspects (intelligence, diligence, morality) than the “proletarian” (that is the red families at the beginning).
2. Malaysia
• Generally speaking, Chinese mainlanders know very little about Malaysian Chinese, as the latter despise the former. Malaysian government used to impose racial discrimination policies against Chinese. Many of them often wish that they were not Chinese. The rest of time they have to admit that they are Chinese, because they are being very Chinese in many ways.
• They can hardly read Chinese, even if they speak fluently. Most of them are not proficient in English either. Fewer understand Malaysian.
• Malaysian Chinese look up to Hong Kong culture, though, wishing they could make friends with them. They think Hong Kong stands for wealth, modern society and liberty.
• However, Malaysian Chinese don’t like talking about Singaporeans, as both parties admit that Singaporeans are somehow superior.
• Most Malaysian Chinese came from villages in south China hundreds of years ago. Compare with the Singaporeans, the Malaysian Chinese are deeply influenced by the Chinese rural customs and culture even they live in Malaysian cities and go to English schools.
• Malaysian Chinese women are known to many as the “best wives and mothers according to Chinese traditional value”. They have all the good “qualities” as rural Chinese female, and Muslin female.
• Neither Singaporean nor Malaysian Chinese males have much access to prostitutes or mistresses, compare with those from mainland, Hong Kong, Taiwan.
• Many of them are the descendants of the Hakka ethnic. They expect women to do everything (work and housework), unlike the rest of the Chinese, while women can still choose to work or stay at home (housewives). Malaysian Chinese men expect women to give/earn them money. They’d love to spend women’s money. In the rest part of the Chinese community, no man can bear the idea that he has to live on his wife’s income, even if he is disable.
• Malaysian Chinese men are generally good husbands and fathers. They are down to earth. Their marriages generally last long and stable until the men have affairs, when they decide to marry the younger girls.
• There are many stories about Malaysian Chinese men killing their wives after the husbands have secret affairs. The man often takes action fast and quick, without anyone noticing, with a method to make it look like natural death.
• Another way to take everything from the marriage is to talk to everyone he knows, about his wife going mad. This way people believe he should be in charge of everything. No one would listen to his wife’s story.
• Those immigrated into western countries may find it difficult to kill someone or prove someone is mental. Husbands soon find out the law in terror: Wives are entitled to half of the family assets, if not more. These men often choose to live with the wives, tread them nicely, like nothing had happened.
• Men do this for saving money for divorce settlement. They need the money for their new families.
3. Thailand
• Thai Chinese men are extremely humble and polite.
• They usually have religious believes that make them being afraid of doing wrong things that causes Karma.
• However, that does not stop them chasing pretty girls, having affairs after marriage.
• Thai females go extra miles to make themselves look pretty, young and fashionable.
4. Vietnam
• The Vietnamese Chinese keep a distance with the Vietnamese back in Vietnam. They think the latter are too easy to get into fighting. The Vietnam Chinese prefer reading good books, learning new job skills, working hard, saving money, raising families, and buying properties.
• Most of them came out from south China hundreds of years ago.
• Many of them open auto repair business. They are usually honest and professional. They charge very reasonable price.
• You may find nearly all Vietnamese Chinese capable of speaking Chinese Mandarin, Chinese Cantonese, another Chinese dialect from his hometown, English, French, and often another language.
• The Vietnamese Chinese adore ancient Chinese culture and literature. They want to learn more about it. The Vietnamese Chinese like Chinese mainlanders, especially if they are educated.
• They don’t like Hong Kong people, thinking they are not kind to the less fortunate, and that they don’t appreciate knowledge.
• There are stories of marriage going sour with Vietnamese Chinese men. For example, husband lures the wife borrowing a business loan from the bank for his own business using her own name, transfers all the assets to his mistress (which is his secretary), declares bankruptcy, files a divorce paper, leaving the wife a loan and all the children. Family violence often is involved.
• Wives gone though family crisis usually share the same symptom: they all develop mental illness, a real one.
• The Vietnamese Chinese man in such case, however, never explains what happened to his marriage.
Observation updated: 2008
In overseas (2)
5. Australia
• Many Australian born Chinese have parents with English as second language.
• Their parents often send them to Chinese weekend school to learn Chinese as young as 5 years old, often find that they forget all of them before reaching 16.
• Very few Australian born Chinese can read Chinese sentences, let alone writing characters other than “hand”, “big” and “person”.
• They are not much different than any Australians except they look Asian, knowing clearly that Chinese is a totally different language from Japanese, and their parents prefer them marrying to Chinese.
• Just like most of the local, Australian Chinese males are nice and easy-going. They see happiness as the most important thing in life, not money, not fame, not power. They are family oriented, keeping a good balance between work and home.
• White guys prefer spending their spare time in bars, BBQ with friends, or dating. Life is about having a good time. One should not take life too seriously. The Australian Chinese men generally take good responsibilities of their family and parents.
• Generally speaking, an Australian man (single or married) would imply sexual activity to nearly every woman he knows if she is available, no matter if she is his colleague, subordinate, or his student, unless he is gay, or he is not interested in her. He does not force. He takes refuse well, but he never gives up trying. Australian Chinese guys are often shy. They prefer a date with friends, old school mates, or girls introduced by friends and family.
• Men are reluctant to get married, as they know the law protects wives when it comes to divorce. Since Australian female are not shy in sexual relationship, men prefer to take it for free, just like many other things in life, thanks to the government. Australian men respect women. They prefer a happy, carefree casual relationship.
• Australian born Chinese girls are confident and spontaneous. When they are with men, they do not have to pretend that they are weaker or innocent or feminine, like women in China, Hong Kong or Taiwan. They do not know women have to be that way in order to survive in those areas.
• Many older white males still believe females should stay at home. They think women are taking job opportunities from males. The government tax policies encourage female give up jobs after marriage.
• Married women find it the end of their career promotion by the time they pregnant. Once give birth to the second child, they often have to give up jobs, because child-care is not just expensive, child-care service cannot meet the requirement for a career woman at all. Women with two children that still remain in the workforce often find they are the first to go on corporate lay-out list.
• Girls in their late 20’s find it extremely difficult to find a full-time job, as firms often concern about maternity leave related benefits.
• Australia does a wonderful job in protecting the lawful rights for divorced women, compare with Asian countries.
• However, men are not ashamed about their affairs ruining their families, nor would the public feel they are wrong. After the husband’s infidelity, a woman is supposed to shut her mouth up and move on to a new relationship immediately, with another guy that might have done the same thing to his ex-wife not long ago. No one feels sorry for a woman whose husband has betrayed her. She has the right to do the same thing to man, too.
• Aussie men want to start a traditional family (with stable relationship) often seek marriage with Asian women. They like it that Asian women are devoted to their husbands and children.
• Domestic violence is common. Some female staffs work for domestic violence assistance organizations mention that they themselves have to be very careful dealing with the government officials when helping with their clients (female domestic violence victims), and afraid of revealing the details.
• There are stories about white policemen raping Asian women domestic violence victims. There are stories about white male doctors’ improper conduct during medical examinations for Asian female patients.
• Rape is a problem in Australia. Women are always advised to be careful at night or being along outside in quiet streets. Date-rape is often heard of.
• Many men admit being sexually harassed by male adults when they were children.
• The society believes elder women with gray hair suggest the end of being desirable, smart and important, while elder men with gray hair stand for power, authority, rightness and attractiveness.
6. America
• USA is the only country in the world that provides equal opportunities to immigrants as long as they have the ambition and ability. She does not tell the new-comers like most of the other advanced countries: Although you are much much more talented and diligent than we local, best jobs and positions are always reserved for our own children, because we settle here first. If you are not happy of being a second-class citizen in our country, go back to your own country, in where you are treated like dirt.
• For this reason, USA does attract top people from all around the world. USA cherishes people with talents, skills, knowledge and intelligence. Immigrants do have a chance to excel and move to the top after arriving America.
• For thousands of years, Chinese take education very seriously, as that would not just lead to a good job and higher income, but also access to higher social-economic society. Education was not just about job skills like today. In the old days, higher education was often the key that make a fine, cultivated and even noble person.
• Chinese are known as model students in America. Large numbers of American born Chinese are able to fulfill their ambitions and set good examples in the society. Businessmen find the American dream especially reachable in this country.
• America born Chinese are very proud of being “Chinese American”. You often find someone telling you in pride that one of his great grandparents was a Chinese and that is the only Chinese in his family. He even remembers the name of that village.
• American born Chinese’s marriages do not limit to Chinese. Unless their parents insist, they generally prefer marrying to those who are born and raised in America.
• Like most of the Americans, Chinese Americans are open-minded about different cultures, though very few of them can tell the cultural differences in each ethnic group.
• The American Chinese that decide not to continue to tertiary study adapt to American culture well. Many of them work for their parents businesses and are good in both English and Chinese. Those continue to tertiary study however, often can speak limited Chinese.
• Many American Chinese women excel in career. Married women may keep a balance at work and home. But they must work very long hours.
• American men can remain to be friend and only friend with women. They can keep a conversation going forever without mentioning anything related to sex, not like Australian. Americans want to know what is happening in the world and wish they can take a part in it. Americans want to know the meaning of life, and try to do something to improve the current situation.
• It is not uncommon that women marry to American have to share bills with husbands. An American born Chinese man however feels it odd to go Dutch with his wife as if she were a stranger. He often helps with the financial support of his wife’s parents, especially if they are from mainland China.
• Most American born Chinese benefit from extremely sacrificing parents. Their parents are also very successful after arriving America. Many of their parents own properties in different States and countries at the time of retirement. They themselves, however, seldom have the chance to live with their parents due to tertiary study and marriage in other States.
• Chinese American males stick to their marriage. They are generally good husbands and good fathers, setting high standards on their children as well, though not as high as their parents to them. Having to divorce is still regarded as unfortunate to a family.
• Affairs are not common as the husbands are often too busy at work. Most of the Chinese American males spend all their time studying and working since they were young. They did not have chances hanging around with girls, and often marry the first or second girlfriend they met in the university or at work, and soon have children. They also think there are many things in the world that are much more interesting than women.
I like it, its very helpful on our project on chinese discrimination against women
That’s the surfing video I like! Magnificent!
This has been an issue for many countries not just China, I think the author addressing directly to Chinese people is not a smart choice, and some data provided are certainly not as accurate which I am sure of.
[…] Lawrence Ron Lechien Jeff Leisk Victor Leloup This entry was posted in Uncategorized. Bookmark the permalink. […]
[…] Dack Roger De Coster Ken De Dycker Yves Demaria Gilbert De Roover Clement Desalle This entry was posted in Uncategorized. Bookmark the […]